


Five Times Rachel Berry Felt Worthless

by JustMakeLeftTurns



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 19:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustMakeLeftTurns/pseuds/JustMakeLeftTurns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Rachel Berry felt worthless and one time she was told otherwise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Rachel Berry Felt Worthless

When Rachel arrived at school, she'd expected that people would ignore her. She'd expected Jewfro to get in her face, asking for her panties. What she hadn't expected, however, were the three Cheerios to actively seek her out. Yes, they made fun of her attire when she passed them in the hallways, but they had never gone to her before.

It was even stranger when they went up to her with smiles on their faces. Rachel didn't trust them. Santana and Quinn constantly talked down to her, and Brittany followed whatever Santana told her to do. They'd made her high school experience miserable, although she supposed it was better than being slushied.

After the Cheerios had talked to her like they were friends for half of the day, Rachel decided that they genuinely wanted to be around her. She spent time in-between classes with them, and passed notes during class. She'd always believed in giving people second chances.

During lunch, Rachel left, saying she needed to be at her next class early. Before she went to her class, she went into the bathroom to freshen up. As soon as she had entered a stall, someone else entered the bathroom. Rachel realized from the voices that it had been Santana, Quinn, and Brittany. They were laughing, and Rachel suddenly had a sinking feeling.

"I can't believe that Man-Hands is so gullible," laughed Santana. Rachel heard Quinn voice her agreement.

"Why would she ever think that we'd want to be friends with her?" she said.

"Her clothes look like her grandmother barfed toddler onto her." Rachel felt blood rush up into her cheeks.

"And with a shape her size, why would we even consider her to be our friend?"

Rachel heard the Cheerios leave, Brittany saying something about rainbows and a math test. When she was sure she was alone, Rachel stepped out of the stall.

She'd been told on multiple accounts that her outfits looked horrible. So why did it hurt so much this time? Rachel gazed into the bathroom mirror, raising her shirt up to look at her stomach. There wasn't anything wrong with how she looked.

Rachel didn't know why Quinn had said that. Hadn't she convinced Mercedes that she was beautiful in her own body?

That's because she is, a voice in her head teased. But you certainly aren't.

Rachel pulled her shirt back down. She saw her eyes water in her reflection, but she didn't let herself cry.

\----

Rachel, no longer speaking to the Cheerios, went through the rest of the school day with no problem. She was beginning to think that the Cheerios' insults would be the worst thing she'd have to endure that day. Her optimistic thinking proved to be false when she saw a familiar figure heading towards her, slushy in hand.

Part of her wanted to run away and hide. Anything to get out of a slushy facial. But then she remembered that Kurt had gone through much worse. She'd take the ice in the face, just to prove to herself that she was strong.

"Hey, glee loser," Karofsky laughed. He threw the slushy into her face.

Rachel squeezed her eyes tight, hoping to prevent any more corn syrup from invading them. She felt some of the slushy on her lips and licked them to wipe it away. She grimaced. Cherry. Her least favorite flavor.

"Make sure to tell your boyfriend that he's due for a slushy soon," the jock taunted. Rachel wiped at her eyes, blinking up at Karofsky's smirking face. "Oh, wait! You can't keep a boyfriend. Never mind." Rachel ignored his words as best as she could, but she still felt the pang in her heart.

Rachel thought that Karofsky would simply move on, as he always did. She was surprised when he shoved her roughly against the lockers. For a moment, she thought he was going to rape her. To her relief, he pulled away, laughing as he did so.

"Pathetic," he sneered, leaving Rachel in the hallway alone. She was suddenly glad that it was after school and no one had seen their encounter.

Rachel went to the bathroom, doing her best to wash the slushy out of her hair. In all honesty, she'd been terrified when Karofsky pushed her. She hadn't expected that. And the fact that he could control her so easily made her sick. She blinked back her tears, not letting a single one fall.

Karofsky was right. She was pathetic.

\----

Later, at glee club, Rachel was hoping that her rotten day would turn around. She had been practicing a song all week, and now was ready to present it.

Contrary to what she always told people – and what they automatically assumed of her – Rachel did not sing solely for solos. To her, singing was all that she had. If a solo meant getting recognized – and maybe making a friend – then she'd fight for it. But if she felt that a song wasn't right for her voice, then someone else could sing it.

Unfortunately, not everyone saw her this way, as they obviously put her down for trying to sing. Mr. Schuester didn't stop them; in fact, with his condescending stare, Rachel was positive that he agreed with her fellow glee clubbers. This hurt her more than she'd ever admit. She didn't sing for attention all of the time. Like everyone else, she sang about her emotions.

Rachel was disappointed when Mr. Schuester decided that she wasn't allowed to sing. Mercedes announced that they didn't want to hear another Broadway song. Rachel tried to protest, but Mr. Schuester cut her off.

"We need to let others have a chance, too," he said. "In fact. Quinn, you can have the solo for this next song." Rachel felt her mouth drop. She hadn't had a solo in ages. She'd been trying to allow the others to sing. Apparently, that wasn't good enough for Mr. Schue.

"But I haven't –"

"Quinn gets the solo," Mr. Schue said firmly. Rachel, in a last desperate attempt to sing, once again asked if she could perform her song.

"We've already moved on from that, Rachel."

When Rachel stormed out of the room, everyone assumed that she was going off somewhere to pout. In reality, she left so no one would be able to see her hurt and near-tears expression. She didn't allow herself to cry; stars went through tough breaks. She could, too.

She wished that she could have at least told the others what she had been planning on singing. They all seemed to like Madonna, so she'd hoped that by going out of her way to sing something they might have liked, she'd gain a friend.

Too bad Mr. Schuester allowed everyone to put her down. Too bad he didn't give her a chance.

\----

Having two dads was great, but sometimes a girl needs a mother. Rachel, after her difficult time at school, decided to give Shelby a visit. Her dads were at work, anyway. No need to bother them.

Now, Rachel knew that Shelby wasn't exactly a mother-figure. After all, she basically said that she wanted nothing to do with Rachel. However, Rachel hoped that her surrogate would see that she needed a mother, someone to hold her and give her advice.

But when Rachel found Shelby, her hopes of having a mother were crushed.

"I don't have time for this," Shelby stated. For you, a voice whispered in the back of the teen's mind. Rachel, being Rachel, didn't back down so easily, despite her sinking emotions.

"But I need a mom," Rachel pleaded. Shelby picked up Beth, who had begun to cry. Rachel stared. You've been replaced, the voice taunted. Another one added, How can you be replaced if she never wanted nor spoke to you in the first place?

"I'm your mother, but not your mom," Shelby replied coolly. Rachel had one last plea as the woman turned to leave.

"Please. I just need someone – a woman – to listen to me." Shelby didn't look back, but Rachel heard her parting words.

"Then go to one of your girl friends in glee. Or someone else you know."

Rachel didn't bother saying that everyone in glee club hated her, or that she didn't have another female adult to talk to. She just pushed back the tears that threatened to fall and placed a smile on her face.

If Kurt could handle being singled out by Karofsky and the other jocks, then she could handle everyone putting her down. She's Rachel Berry. She can handle anything.

Although a mother's ear would have been helpful.

\----

Rachel went home, her horrible day finally taking its toll. She was exhausted and had the urge to cry, but she refused to allow her emotions to overwhelm her. When she entered her house, there was nobody there. She went to her room, playing music as she attempted to do her homework. However, after the day she'd had, she didn't feel up to working. It was Friday, anyway. Homework could be done on Sunday.

As her music played, Rachel laid on her bed, staring up at her ceiling. She wished that Finn was with her. But he wouldn't care. He hates you, just like everybody else.

"Shut up!" Rachel screamed at the voice. It had been annoying her all day, reminding her of things she already knew.

She knew that Finn hated her. He'd broken up with her. Over one stupid kiss. Rachel yelled into her pillow incoherently. Why did she always have the worst luck when it came to boys?

With Finn, she'd thought he loved her. Yet he was always watching Quinn. And according to Santana, the two of them had done some stuff. Finn had lied about it. Rachel bit her lip. Was she that untrustworthy? Did she overreact that much?

Rachel knew that what had happened with Puck was her fault. She'd hurt him. But still, why couldn't he see that she was more than just a diva?

She'd tried to ask Sam out – albeit, to get Finn jealous – and yet he'd refused. What was wrong with her that the resident dork wouldn't go out with her? Was it because she wasn't a Cheerio? Was it because of the outfits she wore?

Jesse. She had honestly liked him. She had trusted him. Why did he automatically assume everything was her fault? Why did everyone assume that?

Rachel sped out of her room, grabbing an object she was too upset to identify. She ran out of her house, tears once again filling her eyes. She knew everyone hated her. She knew she was worthless.

Not even her voice could save her now.

\----

Rachel continued running. She didn't know where she was going. Her thoughts were jumbled up; she wasn't sure what her brain was making her do. She only stopped running when she tripped over her own feet, sending her sprawling to the ground.

It was as she was sitting up when Rachel realized that the object she held was a knife. There was a small cut on her thumb; she assumed the knife had slipped when she'd fallen.

She watched the blood come out of her small wound. She was entranced with the sight of her blood. The funny thing was, it hadn't hurt when she'd accidentally cut herself. Rachel turned the knife in both of her hands, watching the light reflect off of it.

How easy it would be, to just draw the knife across her wrists. Do it, the voice encouraged her. You'll be doing everyone a favor.

"Rachel?"

The brunette didn't look up. Instead, she continued turning the knife in her hands, as if searching for something.

She sensed that the owner of the voice had kneeled down beside her. She paid no mind to her companion. He would leave, and she would welcome death.

"Rachel, honey, give me the knife," the voice said urgently. She tightened her grip on the weapon. He only wants to prove how weak you are.

"I'm not weak," Rachel hissed, narrowing her eyes. Her fingers traced the flat side of the knife. She hummed in contemplation. Should she wait until the other person left?

"You're not," the person agreed with her. "You're stronger than this."

Rachel disagreed. "I'm not stronger than you," she murmured. She rubbed her thumb against the sharp teeth of the blade. She didn't flinch as a new cut bled, deeper than the first one.

"Rachel, look at me." When the girl failed to do so, fingers under her chin forced her to. She found herself looking into the concerned eyes of one Kurt Hummel.

"You are strong. You ignore everyone's words and keep going." Rachel felt her eyes water. She tried to remove her gaze from Kurt's, but the countertenor kept a strong grip on her chin.

"Why do you even care?" Rachel's voice trembled. "I'm worthless. Nobody likes me." She felt the weight of the knife in her hands. "I want to die."

Kurt brushed a strand of hair behind her ear with his free hand. He gazed at her with such intensity that Rachel felt like he could see right through her.

"You're not worthless," he said sternly. Rachel opened her mouth to disagree, but Kurt continued speaking. "You have so much going for you, Rachel. And people do like you." Lies!

"Like who?"

Kurt seemed taken aback by the bitterness in her voice. His expression turned into determination as he stared at Rachel.

"Like me," he told her. "Like Blaine." He seemed to know not to mention the other glee clubbers.

He's lying! Don't trust him.

Rachel's hands shook. She tried to push back her tears. Was Kurt telling the truth? She didn't want to get her hopes up. But there was a part of her that sincerely wanted him to be saying the truth.

Sensing her resolve weakening, Kurt said gently, "Give me the knife, Rachel."

She felt her fingers loosen from the knife. Kurt reached over and took the weapon from her. He placed it behind him, out of Rachel's reach.

The reality of the situation hit Rachel hard. She launched herself at Kurt, burying her face in his neck. He held her, petting her hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Rachel sobbed, finally letting tears to slip out from under her closed eyelids.

With Kurt holding her, Rachel felt far from worthless.


End file.
